Capricorn: A thunderstorm of blessings showers down on you, but you’re running for cover. Step out with a bar of soap and lather yourself up under all that good fortune. The benefits far outweigh a few occasional lightning strikes.
Aquarius: Destiny is waiting around the corner because of that thing you did last Tuesday morning; if it catches you, apologize and tell the Universe that you can’t be held responsible for anything you may have done before you’ve had coffee. All will be forgiven.
Pisces: Every day is a new day, except for Thursday, which you sent back to the kitchen for being underdone. It will come back extra crispy but no one spit on it, so consider that a win.
Aries: If at first you don’t succeed, go ahead and strap those giant rockets to your feet. Not only will you go fast, you’ll also become a household name in record time. That name may be Wile E. Coyote, but you’ll still make your mark.
Taurus: Everything’s coming up roses, but you’re sure you planted zucchini squash. Don’t worry, you can call it an exciting heirloom vegetable, price it way too high and make a fortune at the farmers market.
Gemini: Those big plans are not only foiled this week, they’re also plastic-wrapped and sucked dry in a Seal-A-Meal. Put them on the back shelf and forget about it, then throw them away after you clean the pantry in five years.
Cancer: Now is not your time, and tomorrow’s not looking good, either. Try your bizarre plan for world domination with adorable penguins at 11:48 pm Wednesday night. They’re already dressed up for New Year’s Eve, so they’ll fit right in.
Leo: Your smile is not only your umbrella, it’s your pancake flipper, TV remote and Shake Weight. It’s not reinforced, though, so don’t use it to do any heavy lifting. Use your knees, wear a safety belt, and let sarcasm do all the hard work.
Virgo: You’ll ring out the old year with a bang when one of your kids hides a can of biscuits in between the couch cushions, and it explodes under you just as you’re singing Auld Lang Syne. The acrobatics you perform makes everyone applaud.
Libra: The new year holds incredible wonders, marvelous successes and one bizarre interaction with a retired clown who’s willing to pay for photos of your bare elbows. Roll up those sleeves, because your new OnlyFans account is going to get weird.
Scorpio: You’ve done something sketchy and Karma has your number, but it’s OK; Karma’s also using the buggy 2015 version of Apple Maps, so it thinks you live in an abandoned mall in Wyoming with a bunch of raccoons. You’ve got plenty of time to make things right.
Sagittar ius: An unexpected compliment turns your head on Monday, but it’s the lewd suggestion follow-up that whips the rest of you around. This could be a slap or tickle situation; either way, limber up first.
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