By Courtney VanAuken
Image via PxHere
Aries March 21–April 19:
The asterism of Venus directly aligns against both the division and aspect unification of your situation in the universe. Don’t be afraid to stray from the well-trodden path this week. You never know what you will find. Expect an encounter with the groundhog who has made frequent appearances between Doherty and Purnell. To claim this message, please email “affirm this” to thetartan@cmu.edu and share with two friends.
Taurus April 20–May 20:
This week, “The Parent Trap” will become strangely relevant to your life — and no, not in the way you would expect it to. The dualities of Taurus and Libra place you in strange and unusual situations. The upcoming autumn equinox (Sept. 21) comes into play in the later half of the week—putting you in the transit to meet a new twin flame. Expect to run into Tim Walz when you least expect it. Rumor has it, The Exchange will have a new worker join the crew very shortly…
Gemini May 21–June 21:
Exciting opportunities will manifest from the synastry of the supermoon in the form of campus baristas. Universal retrogrades refrain from providing clarity on whether or not these cosmic messages will be found in De Fer or La Prima. It probably won’t be Redhawk though. Maybe Zebra Lounge? Mike might know something we don’t. Beware the transit of Mercury— the fall spice latte is not worth the transit of Mercury. Until the transit manifests, it is wise to opt for a chai instead.
Cancer June 22–July 22:
If you are seeing this, it is because this message was meant to find you. Yes, you. This week is the perfect time to send that flirty Canvas message to that cute student in your class! Venus is very powerful and love is certain to prevail! Bravery and courage are transient and encouraged by the rising nation-state of Aquarius. This Aquarius-Venus dynasty will overrule the fact that it is generally seen as a no-no for TAs to ask out students. Age is just a number and, on the topic of numbers, you can ruin their grades if they do not reciprocate your advances! Wield your power! Embrace courage before this once in a lifetime opportunity passes you by!
Leo July 23–August 22:
Loyal Leo will find difficulty maintaining faith in the friendships that surround them. Turbulence is encountered early on Monday over long standing resentments and betrayals. Have you outgrown your friendships? No. But tell yourself what you need to in order to sleep this week.
Virgo August 23–September 22:
Please refer to the Crime and Incident section.
Libra September 23–October 22:
Descendant Uranus-Vulcanus causes plans to paint the fence to fail in a gloriously trepidatious manner. Take a step back. Breathe. Clean yourself up. Next time, the result will not land so far off of what you originally intended with your aim. Apprehension is your worst enemy. Make room for strength in everything you strive for this week. Fertilizing the soil with mistakes strengthens the Square-Aspect garden of your future. Don’t be afraid to let your boots get a little muddy in the meantime.
Scorpio October 23–November 21:
The forces of Neptune envelop you socially, physically, and mentally. Do not run. Walk. Swimming is in the cards. Embrace autonomy. You still have three weeks left to drop the improv StuCo.
Sagittarius November 22–December 21:
Combative energies interfere with the degree of security and comfort which the past few weeks have delivered in abundance. The cusp of Uranus-Cancer fuels dissent and turbulence in the square of self-discovery. These energies are not entirely malevolent. One door closed is another door you forgot to lock before your early morning trek from Shadyside to campus. Think of the first-year you find squatting in your rental as you return from your three-hour night class as not a threat or a product of Carnegie Mellon’s excessive admission of first-years, but rather as an opportunity to receive some sweet sweet Red Plan meal blocks.
Capricorn December 22-January 19:
Employment opportunities arise in the form of a crossbow and a job from the Pittsburgh Parks and Recreation department. Take each blessing as it comes! The universe is giving you what you deserve! You thought that losing that internship this semester was the end of the world but at least you’re not the one being hunted on the Cut. Those deer won’t see it coming. Don’t let them underestimate you or what you are capable of! You are the one with the crossbow. Get ready for a week of empowerment, employment, and ecological warfare!
Aquarius January 20-February 18:
When the moon is in the Seventh House and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then, peace will light the planets and love will steer the stars — this is the dawning of the age of Aquarius. The age of Aquarius. Aquarius. Aquarius. Harmony and understanding. Sympathy and trust? Abounding. No more falsehoods or derisions, golden living dreams of visions, mystic crystal revelation, and the mind’s true liberation. Aquarius. Aquarius.
Pisces February 19-March 20: The nature of abundance is a recurrent theme in this long, long week for you. Expect many twists and turns, but don’t be afraid to relax, sit back, and enjoy the ride. Prepare for trouble, and make it double! You are pregnant with twins! Email “I claim” to thetartan@cmu.edu and ghost three clubs that you demonstrated interest in at the club fair to affirm.