“At a holiday celebration I hosted, two guests got out of line. They drank too much and said some off-color jokes.
“I did not say anything at the time, but I want a way now to say to them what I should have done then. Or is there a date stamp on this kind of reprimand?”
G: That all depends on what you want to accomplish. If you are trying to teach someone a lesson of sorts, the best time to have done that may have been during, or just moments after, the offense.
If you are trying now to defend someone’s honor, more than your own, it may not bring you the satisfaction or results you hope for.
Here’s the issue when there is excess consumption of alcohol, or recreational drugs, involved: someone over-served them at the party or perhaps beforehand, and these memories tend to be obscured by the person intoxicated.
You might want to look first at what was happening during the party that led to these off-color comments. There are some people who do not seem bothered, others may get uncomfortable but let things slide, while a few will be repelled.
If the inebriated couldn’t read the room, and no one was putting them back in line, it’s easy to see how these awkward times spiral downward.
It is a good practice, generally speaking, to give others the benefit of the doubt. But when it comes to managing the comfort and well-being of your guests, sometimes we have the information we need to intervene then and there.
That doesn’t mean that we will be happy we are having to take action. The tendency may be that we would prefer to let things slide and not escalate a situation.
I do think it is a good idea to try to have a conversation with anyone who may or may not realize they have created a problem for us, or themselves. I think it is worth the effort to strive to let others help us see when we could have done better, or when we inadvertently slipped.
None of us are perfect. However, when it comes to knowing when too much alcohol is too much, we should not be inhibited to address the concern.
The key to talking to someone who made a scene, or may have embarrassed themselves without remembering the moment as you do, is to not present this as an unforgivable breach. Allow the space for them to take in the information that they violated some code of conduct at your party, and watch how they process it.
Last year a friend of a family member who had joined us for dinner, made a few comments that I think many people with reasonably good manners would have been bothered by. I realized in the moment that this adult was beyond capable of understanding the failure of etiquette.
I was reminded of a saying a scion of a political dynasty told me long ago. This sounds outrageously elitist and condescending as I recall it again, coming from the bloodline he descended from, but it resonated in a way I have not been able to unhear: “There’s no substitute for good breeding.”
What that statement helped me to learn had nothing to do with genes or ancestry. It really was concerned with the issue of education; that not all of us are brought up with the same information, guidelines, or support.
Thus, we cannot fault others for what they have not yet learned or experienced.
Even if we are not of some royal lineage, so to speak, we do have an opportunity to improve our behavior, and course correct when we step in it, if we so choose to look at life as a lifelong learning adventure.
Instead of turning any challenging moment into an uncomfortable exchange, try to look at others as having had an upbringing different than your own, or see that they just do not yet know what you know.
But should you come to the realization that a few of the people in your circle are operating at a level that is unpleasant or destructive, know that you still have the agency not to set yourself up for more of the same.
Selective invites going forward are about the best way to address many such situations.
Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com.