“I heard from someone over the holidays who usually stays in touch, so I was not surprised to get a card. I decided to limit my holiday gift exchanges and cards and had not sent one to this person. Do you think it necessary to let people know you’ve cut back?”
G: If you are interested in having warm and fuzzy relationships, it’s gonna require that you sometimes put out a level of effort when you are not necessarily feeling it.
I tend to think that more information is usually better than less, as it can help dispel conspiracy or paranoid thinking, but you are under no spiritual obligation to manage someone’s response to your choices.
The people who matter to you ought to have a pretty good idea of where they stand with you. Those that matter less, likely already know that they are not in the inner sanctum, so no explaining is needed. That said, why not let people know you are shifting how you get through the holidays?
It’s not that much to ask to let someone know that they need not take things personally, just because you are no longer practicing your past holiday behaviors.
I once thought it was a funny but loving idea to send out a blanket birthday card to those in my family and to some friends, along the lines of a song “The Unbirthday Song” that the Mad Hatter and the March Hare sang to Alice, from “Alice in Wonderland.”
Rather than waiting for the exact birthday date for each person, I sent the cards on a randomly chosen date, and just let everyone know I was thinking of them. My idea was also that my cards would cover me for the year, in a light, playful way.
But no, it landed like a thud with one older sibling. They thought that my card was the height of insensitivity and ingratitude and felt the need to write me a long letter to such effect. The missive had been written in a way that seemed like they couldn’t resist the urge to scold, trying to teach me a lesson of some kind or get a long-standing gripe off their chest, rather than them understanding my sense of playfulness and humor just didn’t match theirs.
This was certainly not the response I would have ever envisioned from anyone, much less a family member. But it goes to show you that we can never be 100 percent certain of how what we say or do is going to be received. The good outcome to that was I had a much better idea of where my circle and all my siblings stood, mentally and spiritually.
Sometimes, it takes an unusual turn of events for us to discover things that can be useful to us going forward. What is important to someone may be of no value to another, and we can only learn these things as we go.
Keeping with the holiday theme, I’ve been asked if it is still a requirement to send an actual snail mail thank you to someone who sent a gift.
I think that depends on whether or not you feel that this is a practice that matters to you. In some circles, a thank you card that arrives via post is seen as another opportunity to express our love. In other circles, it is a level of etiquette that has a degree of expectation that can be off-putting to those who don’t want to play by those societal rules.
I particularly think the kinds of gifts that we get with weddings or special anniversaries, or that celebrate occasions like one’s retirement or a major professional or academic achievement, are certainly deserving of the extra expression of delight and gratitude, even if can sometimes seem unnecessary or a bit over the top.
When it comes to the holiday season gifts, I don’t feel quite that same way. I don’t think any Santa worth their weight is ever looking for a thank you card in the mailbox. They’ve already gotten their joy from their act of giving, if they’ve done it with the spirit of the season of peace.
Email Giselle with your question at GiselleMassi@gmail.com or send mail: Giselle Massi, P.O. Box 991, Evergreen, CO 80437. For more info and to read previous columns, go to www.gisellemassi.com.