DEAR ABBY: My best friend of 40 years, “Savannah,” has been in a bad marriage for 20 of those. Her husband has cheated on her repeatedly. He can’t keep a job, and he emotionally abuses her and her daughter. Now that she’s finally fed up, he refuses to leave the house.
Despite how bad his behavior has been, Savannah is doing nothing to move the divorce forward. She continues paying for his travel and includes him in family get-togethers in what she calls a “sacrifice,” made at her daughter’s request.
It has been incredibly difficult to be supportive, hear about how harmful this has been, support her when she says she’s getting out, and then hear that for one reason or another he’s still there. When I challenge her and suggest she’s making excuses for not progressing with the divorce, she becomes defensive and shuts down the conversation.
Over the last two years, she has taken to calling me twice a day, and becomes frustrated if I don’t answer. I have asked her to stop telling me stories about her husband’s behavior — which usually lasts a week or two. I am at my wits’ end about how to be a good friend without taking on the stress of her horrible situation and feeling generally overwhelmed by her outreach. What can I do to help her, but also prevent our friendship from imploding? — WEARY FRIEND IN MICHIGAN
DEAR WEARY FRIEND: What you may need to do is accept that one of the reasons Savannah’s dysfunctional marriage has lasted as long as it has is because she wants it to. She doesn’t need to move forward because she has you to dump on when the pressure becomes too great.
It may be time to stop focusing on what you can do to help Savannah and concentrate on what you need to do to help yourself. If that means stepping back and letting her find solutions to her problems without your help, don’t feel guilty for doing it.
DEAR ABBY: For years, a group of us former co-workers has been going out to dinner once a month. My daughter is part of the group and is also the youngest. Lately, she has been dismissed and ignored by two members of our group (there are six of us).
Being her mother, I am hurt by how they have treated her. She has stopped going out with us, but I’m uncertain if I should also stop. They have been nothing but nice to me. I’m lost on what to do anymore — to go, or not to go? — HURT IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR HURT: Have you asked these two former co-workers why they made your daughter feel unwelcome? Their behavior was rude. Have you asked the two who were welcoming what they think about all of this? Perhaps you (and your daughter) would feel more comfortable socializing with only them. That said, I do not think you should drop out of the group if you enjoy their company.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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